The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically? telling me it’s not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds”.

Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked.

“They will grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replies.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he says “Worked for your butt, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

Stupid, stupid man.

The Actor’s Lines (joke)

A once great actor could no longer remember lines but an old director friend wanted to give him one more chance. “James, this part has only one line: You walk on stage carrying a rose, hold it to your nose with your finger and thumb, sniff it deeply, and say ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.’ ” James was thrilled. He practiced his line over and over again until finally, it was opening night. The curtain rose, James walked on stage and with great passion delivered his line perfectly and with great inflection: “Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.” The theatre erupted with laughter. The director was steaming mad! “You bloody fool!” he cried. James was bewildered. “What happened? Did I mess up my line?” “No!” screamed the director. “You forgot the rose!”

Three Eskimos and Their Igloos

Three Eskimos were bragging about how cold their igloos were. They decided to visit all three to see which was the coldest. At the first Eskimo’s igloo, the owner said, “Watch this!” He threw a cup of water into the air and it froze before it hit the floor. “That’s cold,” agreed the other two Eskimos, but each maintained that his igloo was colder still. At the second Eskimo’s igloo, the owner said, “Watch this!” He took a big breath and exhaled. His breath froze in mid-air and fell in a lump on the floor. “Wow, that’s even colder than mine!” said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo wouldn’t give in. At his igloo, he went into the bedroom, threw back the furs, retrieved one of several small ice balls there, put it in a spoon, and then held it over the fire. In a few seconds when it thawed, it went “faaaaaaart! ” He won.

The Dinner Club

A group of country neighbors wanted to get together on a regular basis and socialize. As a result, about 10 couples formed a dinner club and agreed to meet for dinner at a different neighbors’ house each month. Of course, the lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Jimmy and Susie Brown to have the dinner at their house, like most women, Susie wanted to outdo all the others and prepare a meal that was the best that any of them had ever lapped a lip over.

A few days before the big event, Susie got out her cookbook and decided to have mushroom smothered steak. When she went to the store to buy some mushrooms, she found the price for a small can was more than she wanted to pay. She then told her husband, “We aren’t going to? have mushrooms because they are too expensive.”

He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty of them right in the creek bed.”

She said, “No, I don’t want to do that, because I have heard that wild mushrooms are poison.”

He then said, “I don’t think so. I see the varmints eating them all the time and it never has affected them.”

After thinking about this, Susie decided to give this a try and got in the pickup and went down in the pasture and picked some. She brought the wild mushrooms back home and washed them, sliced and diced them to get them ready to go over her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and got Ol’ Spot’s (the yard dog) bowl and gave him a double handful. She even put some bacon grease on them to make them tasty. Ol’ Spot didn’t slow down until he had eaten every bite.? All morning long, Susie watched him and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them. The meal was a great success, and Susie even hired a lady from town to come out and help her serve. She had on a white apron and a little cap on her head. It was first class.

After everyone had finished, they all began to kick back and relax and socialize. The men were visiting and the women started to gossip a bit.? About this time, the lady from town came in from the kitchen and whispered in Susie’s ear. She said, “Mrs. Brown, Spot just died.”

With this news, Susie went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, “It’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as I can get there. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them all there and keep them calm.”

It wasn’t long until they could hear the wail of the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road. When they got there, the EMTs got out with their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.

The doctor arrived shortly thereafter. One by one, they took each person into the master bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach.? After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now, and he left.”

They were all looking pretty peaked sitting around the living room, and about this time, the town lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’ Spot never even stopped!!

Minor Operation Joke

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation. Her gurney was moved into the corridor by a nurse who then went into the operating room to check if everything was ready. A man in a white coat approached, lifted the sheet, and examined her naked body. He then walked over and talked to another man in a white coat who came over and performed his own examination. When a third man started examining her, she asked, “When will you start my operation?” The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders and said, “I have no idea. We’re just here to paint the corridor!”

After the Wedding Night

Three buddies got married on the same day and at the same hotel. During the receptions, the three guys met up in the bar. “Guys, it’s our wedding night and, uh, I was wondering, er, ah, how many times are we supposed to do it?” Discussion ensued, and finally ended with an agreement to just see how things go and meet up the next morning for breakfast. One groom said, “Wait. We can’t discuss our wedding night performances over breakfast with our new wives there.” “You’re right. Let’s just order one slice of toast for every time we did it.” “Excellent idea!” The next morning, the brides and grooms staggered to their tables and the waitress came to take their orders. The first groom said, “I’ll have the full breakfast with three slices of toast, please.” The other two grooms smiled at his prowess. The second groom ordered, “I’ll have the full breakfast but with four slices of toast.” The third groom grinned and said, “I’ll have the full breakfast, please, but I’ll have…” and here he paused for effect, “seven, yes, seven slices of toast!” “Seven slices of toast, sir?” queried the waitress. “That’s an awful lot.” “Yes it is, young lady, yes it is. But seven slices of toast it shall be…. And, by the way, make two of those, brown!”

Dating the best (joke)

Three elderly ladies, recently transplanted from the Northeast to a Florida retirement community, were getting acquainted at poolside. Inevitably, their conversation turned to children. “My son is the most successful doctor on Park Avenue,” said one. The second said, “My son is the most successful lawyer on Wall Street.” The third lady remained conspicuously silent. Sensing easier game, the first matron inquired, “And you, dear; do you have a son?” The second added, “And is he a professional?” She answered, “Not exactly. Actually, he’s a plumber. And he’s gay.” Beaming, the other two consoled, “Oh. That’s too bad.” But then the third woman smiled. “Oh, he’s doing okay. He goes out with the most successful doctor on Park Avenue and the most successful lawyer on Wall Street!”

Send me back!


Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”

Ralph was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for.? Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back…as a chicken.”

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. “So, you’re the new hen, eh?> How’s your first day here?”

“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside.? Like I’m gonna explode!”

“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster.

“Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before?”

“Never,” said Ralph. “Well, just relax and let it happen.”

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another
egg. His joy was overwhelming!

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout, “Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You’re sh#$@ing in the bed!”

Never Been F*#!ed (joke)

A girl in a wheelchair was enjoying a day at the beach when a gorgeous beach god approached her. She said, “Excuse me, but may I ask a favor?” “Sure,” he replied. “What can I do for you?” “You see, I’ve never been hugged.” “Well, I can fix that!” he said, and gave her a nice long hug. Then she said, “You know, I’ve also never been kissed.” So he leaned down and gave her a long passionate kiss. She enjoyed it a lot and said, “I’ve also never been fucked.” So the guy picked her from her wheelchair and dropped her in the ocean.

No Peeking!


The bride had carefully packed a long white silk nightgown for her honeymoon, but her sister secretly replaced it with a sexy little pink number she thought better suited to a couple’s first night together. In the hotel, she went into the bathroom to change leaving her new husband on the bed. “No fair peeking!” she said. But when she unpacked her suitcase and found the wrong nightgown, she gasped, “Oh! It’s short, pink, and wrinkled!” And he called through the bathroom door, “I thought you said no peeking!”